7 Skills + Somatic Tools to Thrive in Your Relationships with ADHD
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) impacts millions, which makes it very likely that you know someone who struggles with this disorder. However, many may struggle with ADHD silently since it primarily relates to the inner workings of one’s brain. A person may appear to be a busy, type A, high-achiever, yet struggle inwardly or have to work twice as hard as others to maintain this state of functioning. ADHD not only shapes how one attends to work and daily life but also affects how individuals engage in relationships. ADHD can have a detrimental but underrecognized impact on romantic relationships in particular. Understanding ADHD as not just a disorder, but rather an “interest-based nervous system” (a term popularized by Dr. William Dodson, a psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD)--can help to better define the mechanisms of ADHD and unlock valuable insights for fostering healthier, more fulfilling connections.
Defining ADHD as an Interest-Based Nervous System
Traditionally, ADHD has been defined as deficits in executive functioning and focus. Viewing ADHD as an interest-based nervous system changes the way we perceive ADHD, seeing it less as an attention “deficit” issue and more as an attention regulation issue. The conceptualization as an interest-based nervous system explains why those with ADHD can often become deeply engaged in activities they find intrinsically motivating and struggle with tasks that lack immediate reward.
In relationships, understanding ADHD in this new way shifts the focus from limitations to strengths, and gives individuals a path forward to better regulate their nervous systems and attention. It allows for a better understanding of the connection between ADHD and the nervous system, increases empathy, and allows for more effective communication, respect, and collaboration between partners.
In this post, we’ll go over some basic tips and recommendations for managing ADHD and then dive into some nervous system regulation tools based on somatic, or body-oriented, psychotherapy. These tools are extremely helpful when we are looking at ADHD as a problem of how we use and regulate our nervous systems. By learning about how to regulate our nervous system, we can access greater choice in how we direct our attention.
7 Skills to Manage ADHD in Relationships
1. Practice Communication and Openness
Clear communication is important to any relationship, but especially when navigating a relationship with ADHD. A partner with ADHD should invest time and attention in communication skills that allow them to notice and express their feelings and needs, and spend extra attention on being transparent about their struggles, i.e. how and when their interest-based nervous system affects their behavior. A coach or therapist may be helpful in identifying these patterns. At Lovewell, we teach and refine a communication skill called Non-Violent Communication with our clients. You can find some free resources here under “Non-Violent Communication.”
2. Develop Routines and Structures
Creating and maintaining routines and organizational systems—like shared calendars or designated weekly meeting times with your partner —can reduce miscommunications and friction in the relationship and provide the stability and predictability, an interest-based nervous system needs but often has difficulty initiating. Our coaches and therapists recommend meetings we call Heart Talks or weekly meetings where you can discuss what’s on your mind or even engage in structured questions on specific topics to get to know each other more deeply.
3. Foster Mutual Interests
Engaging in activities that capture mutual interests can leverage the ADHD partner’s heightened focus on areas they are passionate about. Shared interests create more opportunities for quality time together and meaningful connection.
4. Set Realistic Expectations
Back to the idea of transparency and clear communication - setting realistic expectations allows partners to have fewer misunderstandings and greater accountability. It’s important to avoid people-pleasing tendencies, and practice saying no or giving realistic timelines, rather than saying what you imagine your partner might want to hear.
5. Encourage and Celebrate Achievements
As hard as it may be for the partner of someone with ADHD, celebrating one’s partner’s small successes and focusing on what’s right rather than what’s wrong goes a long way to increase motivation of a person with ADHD, boost their self-esteem, and encourage more interest in maintaining positive, relationship-boosting behaviors. A gratitude or appreciation ritual before bed where partners take turns sharing one or two things they appreciated about the other during the day can be an easy way to incorporate this practice. For other information on gratitude and practices you can do with your partner, check out The Mindful Relationship.
6. Seek Professional Support
Therapy, whether individual or couples counseling, offers tailored strategies for managing ADHD and navigating relationship dynamics. The therapy hour provides a protected time and space for partners to explore difficulties in the relationship. enhance communication, and increase connection and understanding. Finding a good therapist can make all the difference.
7. Practice radical acceptance of your partner
A supportive attitude of complete acceptance of each other’s difference is characterized by patience, empathy, and mutual respect. Acceptance is not the same as stagnation and accepting dysfunction, but is a recognition that while behaviors may change, some things (like ADHD) are part of your partner’s unique makeup. From this acceptance, you can work together to create strategies that meet both of your needs.
Integrating Somatic Therapy Tools
Somatic therapy, which focuses on healing and strengthening the connection between mind and body (including the emotional body and nervous system,) offers valuable tools that can help you manage your ADHD and improve your relationships. These techniques help those with ADHD to develop awareness of physical sensations and emotional responses, and learn new ways to regulate themselves and connect with others.
1. Body Awareness Exercises
Mindfulness and techniques like the body scan increase our interoception - or awareness of our physical sensations and emotional responses. This awareness can help a person understand their feelings, regulate their emotional expression, and manage their impulsive behaviors.
2. Grounding Techniques
Grounding is essentially another word for “regulating” one’s nervous system. Grounding exercises like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and sensory grounding can help decrease dissociation associated with ADHD. These types of exercises can easily be found on YouTube or Insight Timer. An easy grounding technique is to imagine tree roots growing from your feet down into the earth. A more body-based technique would be flexing one foot and holding for ten seconds, then the other foot, and then both together. This can be done during meetings or under a table if you find yourself drifting off during a meeting and need to ground.
3. Couples Co-regulation Techniques
In addition to individual grounding techniques, there are ways for couples to help each other ground or “regulate.” From eye gazing to breathing together to meditating together to using somatic tools together, couples can find unique ways to synchronize their nervous systems. You can simply try synching your breathing or spending a few minutes making gentle but consistent eye contact. If you would like more advanced strategies, the Eyes On meditation is one such tool that you can find on our meditations page. Bae Meditation and some other somatic exercises are available in The Mindful Relationship.
4. Movement-Based Therapies
Incorporating movement into daily routines, such as yoga, Feldenkrais, or Tai Chi, can help regulate the nervous system and improve focus. Slower movements actually help to untrain familiar movement patterns and create new neural pathways. Techniques like Feldenkrais and Hanna Somatics specifically utilize slow movement for the purpose of retraining the nervous system. A skilled therapist with training in these types of modalities can also help guide these. These activities offer individuals with ADHD a way to ground, center, and release excess energy and maintain emotional balance.
Conclusion
Navigating relationships while managing ADHD can be challenging, but understanding it as an interest-based nervous system opens up new ways to foster connection and communication. By embracing clear communication, structured routines, and somatic therapy tools, couples can transform ADHD from a source of tension into a unique strength in their relationship.
Reach out to us if you would like extra support in navigating your or your partner’s ADHD through individual or couples therapy.
Q1: How can ADHD impact relationships?
A: ADHD can impact relationships by making it challenging to focus, communicate effectively, and manage emotions. These challenges can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and conflict. However, with the right skills and somatic tools, individuals with ADHD can enhance their relationships by improving communication, emotional regulation, and connection with their partners. For personalized support, consider Individual Therapy at LovewellSF.
Q2: What are some effective skills for managing ADHD in relationships?
A: Effective skills for managing ADHD in relationships include active listening, clear communication, time management, and emotional self-regulation. Incorporating somatic tools, such as mindfulness and body awareness, can further help individuals with ADHD stay grounded, reduce stress, and improve their relationship dynamics. Explore more about these tools in our blog post on 7 Skills + Somatic Tools to Thrive in Your Relationships with ADHD, or consider Dating Coaching to enhance your relationship skills. Additionally, for workplace-specific tips, check out 11 Tips to Overcome ADHD in the Workplace.
Q3: What somatic tools can help improve relationships for individuals with ADHD?
A: Somatic tools that can help improve relationships for individuals with ADHD include deep breathing exercises, grounding techniques, and mindful movement practices. These tools help to calm the nervous system, increase self-awareness, and enhance emotional regulation, leading to more balanced and fulfilling relationships. For more insights, read our blog posts on 7 Skills + Somatic Tools to Thrive in Your Relationships with ADHD and 11 Tips to Overcome ADHD in the Workplace, or seek support through Individual Therapy at LovewellSF.
