Breaking Free from Codependency: How to Identify, Understand, and Heal

Codependency is a term that many people have heard, but few fully understand. While it’s not officially listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), it’s a concept widely recognized by mental health professionals and those who’ve experienced it. If you find yourself constantly prioritizing your partner’s needs over your own, feeling responsible for their emotions, or struggling with setting boundaries, you might be dealing with codependency.  

In this article, we’ll break down what codependency is, how it develops, and most importantly, how you can begin to heal and move toward healthier, more interdependent relationships.  

What is Codependency?

Codependency originated in the 1950s within the context of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) to describe the dynamics between alcoholics and their partners. However, the concept has since expanded beyond addiction-related relationships. Codependency can occur in any relationship where one person feels an unhealthy level of responsibility for another’s feelings and well-being.  

At its core, codependency is a dysfunctional relationship pattern characterized by behaviors like mindreading, people-pleasing, and lack of assertiveness. Partners may act like or believe they are  responsible for each other's needs, problems, and feelings and may sacrifice their own needs for the relationship.  

Causes of Codependency  

Codependency doesn’t have a single cause; rather, it’s a complex issue with roots in several areas:  

• Low Self-Esteem: Individuals with low self-worth may rely on external validation, making them more susceptible to codependency.
• Poor Boundaries: A lack of clear boundaries can lead to enmeshment, where partners lose their sense of individuality.
• Family History: Growing up in an environment where emotional needs were neglected or boundaries were blurred can contribute to codependency.
• Attachment Issues: Unresolved attachment wounds from childhood can manifest in adult relationships as codependency.
• Cultural and Gender Norms: Societal expectations and gender roles can reinforce codependent behaviors, particularly the idea that one must be self-sacrificing to be a "good" partner.

Signs of a Codependent Relationship  

Identifying codependency can be challenging because the behaviors often feel to the person doing them like acts of love or caring. These behaviors were probably rewarded in their family of origin as necessary acts of love to maintain relationship, and partners may face extreme feelings of guilt when they don’t do these. However, the fact that these behaviors lead to resentment, burnout, and a loss of self is the telltale sign that they are actually codependent behaviors. Here are some of the common signs:  

• People-Pleasing: Constantly putting your partner’s needs above your own, often at the expense of your well-being.
• Low Self-Esteem: Feeling unworthy or inadequate, leading to a reliance on your partner for validation.
• Lack of Boundaries: Difficulty saying "no" or asserting your own needs
• Fear of Abandonment: Staying in a relationship out of fear of being alone, even when it’s unhealthy.
• Emotional Reactivity: Overreacting emotionally to minor issues or withdrawing completely, both of which are attempts to manage overwhelming feelings and your own boundaries.
• Caretaking and Control: Taking responsibility for your partner’s problems or emotions, often through excessive caretaking or manipulation.

Why Codependent Relationships are Harmful  

Codependent relationships often lead to a cycle of unhealthy behaviors, such as enabling, resentment, and emotional burnout. These relationships can make you tolerate behaviors that don’t align with your values, such as excessive criticism, stonewalling, or manipulation, or even more subtle behaviors that build up over time. Over time, tolerating behaviors that don’t align with your values begins to erode your self-confidence and leads to feelings of being trapped.  

The goal is not just to avoid these behaviors but to practice new behaviors that move you towards an ability to be interdependent in relationship. Interdependence is defined as a healthy balance where both partners maintain their individuality and autonomy while also supporting each other.  

How to Heal from Codependency  

1. Understand What Codependency Is: Recognize the patterns in your relationship through books like Codependency for Dummies or through therapy or coaching. Learn more here.

2. Heal Your Wounds: Emotional healing often involves revisiting past traumas or unresolved issues. Tools for emotional regulation like the Emotional Parfait can help you peel back the layers of your emotions to understand your core wounds.

3. Build Self-Esteem: Build your confidence through defining your values and taking values-based actions, and following the other tips on this list. Practicing self-compassion and focusing on your strengths can help you develop a stronger sense of self-worth. Explore our Self-Compassion Exercises for practical steps.

4. Set Boundaries: Learn to be assertive about your needs and say “no.” Setting boundaries is not about pushing others away but about protecting your own well-being. Our article on Healthy Boundaries offers detailed guidance.

5. Improve Communication: Express your needs clearly and respectfully, without fear of rejection. Check out our communication tips.

6. Handle Conflict: Learn to approach conflicts with a calm, solutions-focused mindset rather than reacting emotionally. Our Conflict Resolution Strategies can help you navigate disagreements more effectively.

7. Embrace Solitude: Become comfortable with being alone by working on improving confidence and overcoming insecurity. This will allow you to develop a stronger sense of self and reduce fear of abandonment. Read more about Embracing Solitude.

Move Toward Interdependence  

Interdependence is the healthy alternative to codependency. It is defined as a relationship dynamic where both partners maintain their individuality while also relying on each other in a balanced way. In an interdependent relationship, you can care for your partner without losing yourself.  

Resources for Further Support  

At Lovewell, we offer coaching and counselling services to help you move from codependency to interdependence. Our online therapists and coaches specialize in working with codependency and can guide you through personalized programs and tools, including The Portal—an online resource designed to help you transform your relationship dynamics. Whether you’re seeking individual counseling, couples therapy, or dating coaching, we’re here to support you on your journey to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.  

Books

• Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
• Codependency for Dummies

Q1: What are the signs of codependency in a relationship?

A:  Key signs of codependency in a relationship include feelings of low self-esteem, compulsive desire or need to take care of others, excessive feelings of guilt having boundaries, difficulty making independent decisions, and dysfunction. 

Q2: How can you start to heal from codependency?

A: Healing from codependency begins with becoming self aware about the signs, symptoms, and behaviors that are creating a problematic relationship pattern. Individual therapy or support groups like Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) can help with self-awareness, and support you in setting boundaries. Developing a stronger sense of self through hobbies, interests, and independent activities is also essential to recovery.

Q3: How does therapy help in overcoming codependency?

A: Therapy provides a structured and safe space to understand the origins of your behavior patterns. A therapist can help you understand underlying issues like past traumas or family dynamics that might contribute to your relationship patterns and help you learn skills and healthier patterns of relating to others, establishing boundaries, and building autonomy.