Home for the Holidays: 6 Tools to Restore Balance When Old Patterns Surface
No matter how healed you are, family time can kick up old reactivity patterns like horses kicking up dust on a dry, hot day. Even when you've done the inner work, there’s something about returning to the environment where those patterns were first formed that can stir up emotions you thought you’d outgrown. Your family members know better than anyone how to push your buttons with the raise of an eyebrow or a slight change in tone. One moment you’re calmly sipping tea, and the next, a passing comment feels like a cannonball to the chest.
This emotional turbulence isn’t your failure—it’s your body responding to deep, familiar (notice the word family and familiar share the same root) cues. The key is learning to tell the difference between a reactive conditioned response and a mature, adult, values-based response (who you more likely know yourself to be when not in triggering environments.) This awareness allows us to navigate family dynamics with grace, empowerment, and self-compassion.
What’s the Difference between reactive responses and Values-Based Responses?
Reactive behavior often feels urgent, overwhelming, and out of proportion. It’s your nervous system’s way of protecting you by kicking you into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. In contrast, values-based responses come from a grounded place aligned with who you want to be. They’re thoughtful, measured, and often require a moment of slowing down or a pause to access.
The best way to distinguish between the two? Take a moment to close your eyes and tune into your body. See if you can notice three physiological sensations in your body. Reactive patterns are often accompanied by physiological cues like a racing heart, shallow breath, muscle tension, or an overall sense of unease. Values-based responses, on the other hand, come with a clarity of mind and purpose, even if they feel a little anxiety provoking or difficult to execute—they align with your long-term goals and sense of integrity.
When family time kicks up the dust, here are six tools to restore balance to your nervous system and help you recover:
1. Breathe into Your Belly
When you notice yourself spiraling into reactivity, bring your attention to your breath. Place a hand on your belly and take a slow inhale through your nose, letting your belly expand. Exhale gently through your mouth. Repeat this for a few minutes to signal safety to your nervous system and regain a sense of calm.
2. “Name It to Tame It”
Psychologist Dan Siegel coined this phrase to describe the power of labeling emotions, and is especially a helpful phrase for dealing with elusive feelings like shame. When you feel triggered, name the emotion you’re experiencing: “I feel anger,” or “I feel hurt.” If you can’t quite tell what you are feelings, ask if there might be some shame there as family members can be good at inducing this feeling. This simple act engages the prefrontal cortex, helping you create distance from the reactive state.
3. Ground Yourself with 5-4-3-2-1 Method
Ground yourself in the present by engaging your senses using the 5-4-3-2-1 method: name five things you see, four things you can touch, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste. Grounding techniques pull you out of a reactive spiral and back into the here and now.
4. Use Movement to Shake It Off
When your nervous system is flooded, your body needs to release the pent-up energy. Step outside for a brisk walk, dance to your favorite song, or do a few rounds of jumping jacks. If you’re a Swiftie or Swift-neutral, try “Shake It Off” By Taylor Swift. Movement helps discharge stress hormones and reset your system.
5. Tap Into Your Values
When deciding how to respond, pause and ask yourself: “What kind of person do I want to be in this type of situation?” Take a moment to write this down, even on a phone note. The pause and time to reflect engages your left brain, and aligning your behavior with your values creates a sense of integrity. This can help you respond from a grounded place.
6. Practice Loving-Kindness
Even when it feels impossible, a moment of compassion—for yourself or the family member who triggered you—can soften reactivity. Repeat a simple mantra like, “May I feel loved. May I feel free. May I feel at ease.” Find the phrases that speak directly to your heart. Extend the same wish to your loved ones when you’re ready.
Recovery Is a Practice, Not Perfection
It’s okay if you lose your balance sometimes and to act like the less-than-ideal version of you. The goal isn’t to avoid reactivity entirely but to recover faster and more skillfully. By tuning into your body’s cues and using these tools, you can honor both your healing journey and the complexities of family relationships.
Remember, you’re allowed to take breaks, set boundaries, and prioritize your well-being. The holidays can be an opportunity not only to reconnect with family but also to deepen your connection to yourself.
- How can I manage family stress during the holidays?
Managing family stress during the holidays involves recognizing when you're in a reactive state and using tools to restore balance. Techniques like deep belly breathing, grounding exercises, and practicing loving-kindness can help you stay calm. Setting boundaries and taking breaks when needed are also essential for maintaining your well-being. - What are the signs that I’m being reactive instead of responding thoughtfully?
Reactive behavior often feels urgent and overwhelming, accompanied by physical signs like a racing heart, shallow breathing, or muscle tension. Thoughtful, values-based responses, in contrast, feel grounded and aligned with your long-term goals. Tuning into your body's physiological cues can help you tell the difference. - What are the best ways to recover after feeling triggered by family interactions?
To recover after feeling triggered, try somatic and mindfulness techniques like belly breathing, naming your emotions, or engaging in physical movement to release stress. Grounding exercises, such as the 5-4-3-2-1 method, and focusing on your values can also help you reset and regain emotional balance.
