6 Key Questions to Ask Before Moving in Together: Love, Logistics & the Sunk Cost Trap

The process of deciding to move in with your partner can feel exciting and challenging at the same. One minute you're picking out matching coffee mugs and a comfy couch, and the next minute your partner's “little quirks” may be driving you up the wall...and somehow you’re now the person who’s always taking out the trash.

Cohabitating is a big deal, but more often than not couples treat it like the next logical step rather than an intentional choice. Logan Ury, author of How Not to Die Alone, points out that couples who move in together before getting engaged have a higher likelihood of divorce—not necessarily because living together ruins relationships, but because once you’re sharing a lease, a couch, and a very fluffy pet you both love, it’s way harder to break up. This is known as the sunk cost phenomenon—the more we invest in something, the harder it is to walk away, even when we know we should.

As an online relationship coach I’ve witnessed clients avoid becoming part of this statistic by communicating clearly and making agreements with their partners before deciding to share their living quarters. Before you sign that lease, grab your partner, breathe into your heart three times (seriously, it helps), and have these conversations first.

Question 1: “Why Are We Doing This?”

Before you even think about looking at apartments, get clear on your why. Sit down and have a foundational "Why are we doing this" talk? Do the talking now so you don't have to hash it out over paint fumes and half-unpacked boxes. Set aside time and take turns asking each other the following:

• Why are we moving in together? (Because it’s convenient? Because we truly want to build a life together?)
• What does moving in together mean to you? (A step toward marriage? A trial run? An emotional commitment?)
• Where do you see this relationship going?
• Is marriage something we’re considering? If so, when?
• What are your fears about living together?

This isn’t a “gotcha” kinda conversation—it’s a way to make sure you’re clear on each other's wants, needs, and vision, and that those are more or less aligned. You might assume your partner sees moving in as a pre-engagement step, while they might just be thinking about splitting the rent. Clarify now, not later.

Question 2: Timing Matters—How Long Should You Wait?

Take time to talk through timing. There’s no magic timeline, but here’s what I do know:

Move in together when you have a solid foundation of communication and conflict resolution.

Do NOT move in together to fix relationship problems ("We never see each other, so this will help!" Spoiler: It won’t.) Do NOT move in together just because your lease is up and it’s easier.

The healthiest couples I’ve seen in my work as a mindful relationship coach take the time to navigate challenges together first—small things like travel mishaps, money talks, or even deciding on a couch can show you how your partner handles stress. 

Question 3: Are you Moving Forward with Intention? 

Can Moving in Together Ruin a Relationship? Short answer: Yes, if you do it too soon.

I’ve worked with couples who were trying to salvage the pieces of their relationship after moving in together too quickly. Their relationship had suffered, not because they didn’t love each other, but because they hadn't approached the process with intention. They had skipped the factors above, like the relationship talk, had pushed conflict under the rug, and didn't know how to handle some aspects of what they saw in their partner when things got even more up close and personal. The first time they had to negotiate household tasks, space, or spending habits, the relationship caved under the weight of too much stress, conflict, and difference.

On the flip side, as mentioned above, some couples stay together too long because of sunk costs—the "Well, we already live together, so we might as well keep going" effect. Ury’s research shows that many couples slide into marriage out of momentum instead of actively choosing each next step.

So ask yourself: Are we doing the necessary work to make this an intentional process or are we just shoving ourselves into a shared space because it will be cheaper, one of our leases is up, or some other practical reason? It's not that those reasons aren't valid, or can't work out. It's just important to give yourself a strong foundation and better chance that they will! 

Question 4: Is It Too Soon to Move In Together?

This one takes a bit of reflection, time, and deep honesty with yourself. Reflect on the following. If any of them apply to your relationship, consider addressing these (possibly with the guidance of a skilled couples therapist) before taking the leap. 

• You’ve never had a real fight. (Conflict is inevitable. If you haven’t seen how they handle it, you’re rolling the dice.)
• You have unresolved conflicts that still cause resentment. (**Unspoken tension doesn’t disappear when you share a kitchen—it multiplies.)
• You’re doing it only for practical reasons. (“Rent will be cheaper!” Yes, but is your emotional health worth the discount?)
• You haven’t talked about logistics (chores, space, finances). (Living together isn’t just love—it’s a whole lot of daily decision-making.)
• One or both of you has fears about moving in together but isn’t saying them out loud. (If you’re afraid to bring it up, that’s your first red flag.) 

Question 5: Now that we've made the decision to make this transition, how can we really set ourselves up for success? 

Besides the basics from Question 1's How Not to Die Alone prompts, add these to your checklist:

1️⃣ How will we handle problems and differences that arise? 

2️⃣ How will we maintain quality time and nurture our relationship? 

3️⃣ What’s our plan for checking in? 

4️⃣ How do we divide responsibilities? 

5️⃣ What are our expectations around alone time? 

Bonus tip: I always encourage couples to put a “check-in” on the calendar a few months in. Small things—like sleep schedules, clutter habits, or the way your partner never replaces the toilet paper—can build resentment over time. Address them before they become a problem.

Question 6: Should We Try Couples Therapy First? (Yes.)

One of the smartest things a couple can do is start working with a relationship therapist or couples therapist early—before they have deep resentments or communication breakdowns to fix.

I once worked with a couple who moved in within a year of dating, but because they had been proactively working on communication and conflict resolution, they built a strong foundation. The transition was smooth because they had already done the work.

Moving in together isn’t just about combining spaces—it’s about aligning values, habits, and emotional needs. Relationship or couples therapy can help you navigate that transition with clarity and connection. 

Honor the Moment

Moving in together is a big relationship step, like getting engaged or married. The more intentional you are before you move in, the less likely you’ll be to slide into the next step blindly.

Instead of just focusing on what you’re gaining (more time together, shared expenses), also acknowledge what you’re losing (personal space, complete autonomy). By reflecting on both, you can step into this new chapter with clarity, intention, and a stronger relationship.

And if your partner is pushing to move in but avoids deep conversations about it?

Well, you already know the answer.