Why You Need Delusional Confidence in Dating + 6 Secrets to Getting It
Over time, studies have shown that people who are more optimistic, sometimes overly optimistic to the point of delusion, tend to have better luck, better productivity, better ability to achieve goals and navigate challenges, and better overall outcomes in work and life. So, why would this be different when it comes to dating? It’s not. In fact, incorporating optimism into your dating life, isn't just a way to feel good; it's also a strategic approach that can yield tangible results.
The Science of Optimism and Success
Research has consistently shown that individuals with an optimistic outlook are more likely to experience better outcomes in their personal and professional lives. For example, a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that optimistic individuals tend to set higher goals, persist longer in the face of adversity, and ultimately achieve more than their pessimistic counterparts.
Similarly, a study published in Psychological Bulletin concluded that optimism is associated with a host of positive outcomes, including better physical health, higher income, and greater relationship satisfaction. One potential reason for this is that optimistic people may be more likely to engage in proactive behaviors, take calculated risks, and stay resilient in the face of setbacks.
The Role of Delusional Optimism
While optimism is generally considered beneficial, there is a growing body of evidence suggesting that even unrealistic or delusional optimism can have positive effects. In the article Delusion, Productivity, and Success published by Psychology Today, the author argues that people who hold overly optimistic beliefs about their abilities or the likelihood of positive outcomes often perform better than those with a more realistic or pessimistic view. This is because such individuals are more likely to take bold actions, persevere through difficulties, and attract opportunities that others might overlook.
One of the key reasons for this is the self-fulfilling prophecy. When individuals believe they are capable of achieving great things, they are more likely to put in the effort and take the necessary steps to turn those beliefs into reality. This can create a positive feedback loop, where initial successes bolster confidence and lead to further achievements.
Applying Optimism to Dating
When it comes to dating, the principles of optimism and delusional optimism can be applied. People who date with an optimistic attitude are more likely to initiate connections, take risks, and be resilient when rejected, leading to more dating opportunities and matches, and more fulfilling relationships.
A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships are more likely to engage in positive relationship behaviors, like assertive communication and effective conflict resolution. Optimism has also been linked to increased levels of romantic attractiveness.
In dating, believing that a date will go well or that a potential partner is interested in you can lead to behaviors and attitudes (like being charming, caring, confident, and engaging) that reify that belief.
Dating can be a challenging landscape to navigate, but doing it armed with an optimistic and confident outlook can help. You may be wondering - how do I cultivate that unshakable belief, especially in dating when the stakes feel high?
Drawing inspiration from Harlan Cohen's "Naked Dating" and practical strategies from our Daring Dating online course, here are some tips to help you unlock the secrets to becoming irresistibly confident in your dating life.
1. Adopt a Main Character Mindset
In "Naked Dating," Harlan Cohen emphasizes the importance of taking charge of your dating life. One powerful way to do this is by adopting a “main character” mindset. Imagine yourself as the star of your own story, where every date is just another exciting chapter.
- Practical Tips: Write a list of things you like about yourself and things that are unique about you. Imagine you are a quirky, likable character in a book with those qualities. It can be easier to see qualities as endearing when we are viewing them from a distance.
2. Embrace Delusional Positivity
Harlan Cohen suggests that fear of rejection is one of the biggest obstacles to confidence in dating. But what if, as suggested above, you approached every date with the assumption that you’re already desired and admired? Research from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships shows that people who enter social interactions with positive expectations are more likely to be perceived as confident and attractive. This “delusional positivity” isn’t about ignoring reality, but is about shifting your mindset to focus on the positive possibilities.
- Practical Tip: Before heading out on a date, visualize yourself as this confident, captivating, and well-liked character that you wrote about in the last exercise. Imagine that your date and all the people you meet inherently liking you and responding well to you. This simple mental shift can dramatically change how you approach your interactions..
3. Self-Compassion
The “fake it till you make it” approach is often the way people try to power through feelings of insecurity. Instead, we have found that taking a moment to mindfully and kindly acknowledge your insecurities can be helpful when trying to boost our optimism and confidence before a date. Mindful Self-Compassion is a skill that can be learned and practiced in dating situations.
- Practical Tip: If you’re feeling nervous or insecure, start by noting “I’m feeling insecure,” take a moment to recognize that insecurity is the most common feeling in dating, and lastly, offer yourself some words of kindness like you would offer a friend, such as “It’s okay to feel insecure, it makes you more human, and I support you anyway.” Try the Mindful Self-Compassion meditations to practice this skill.
4. Take Risks and Have Fun
Take risks and put yourself out there, even if it goes against all “dating advice.” The more you practice stepping out of your comfort zone, the more your confidence will grow as you learn to trust your own inner compass rather than some set of rules and ideas. As nerve-wracking as taking risks may seem, it also creates excitement which can lead to —fun!! The more you enjoy the process of dating, the more attractive you’ll be to others.
- Practical Tip: Challenge yourself to do something bold on your next date, whether it’s trying a new activity together or sharing something personal about how you’re feeling. The goal is to embrace the moment and enjoy the experience, regardless of the outcome.
5. Celebrate Your Uniqueness
One of the most powerful confidence boosters is embracing what makes you unique. Not only does this make us more powerful and less vulnerable to criticism, it also makes us more likely to attract people who appreciate us for who wer are. Researchers, like psychiatrist Dr. David Hawkins, have found ways to measure the frequency of different emotions and found that the most powerful frequency of the human body is authenticity – and that it is 4,000 times more powerful than love!
- Practical Tip: Make a list of your flaws as well as your strengths. Next to each flaw, write a way that you can embrace this and see it as a positive! Practice starting to own your flaws with friends and family.
6. Detach from Outcomes
Detaching from the outcome of any single date, risk, or vulnerable share. When you stop worrying about whether a date or something you do or say will lead to a relationship and instead focus on enjoying the interaction, your confidence will increase. Remember, every date is an opportunity to learn how to be more uniquely you and more confident.
- Practical Tip: After a date, instead of analyzing whether the other person liked you, ask yourself, “Did I enjoy myself? Did my true self radiate through me? Was I true to who I am?” This shift in focus helps you stay grounded in your own experience.
Ready to Build Unshakable Confidence?
If you’re ready to take your dating confidence to the next level, check out our Daring Dating online course. Designed to help you embrace your inner power and navigate the dating world with confidence, this course offers practical tips, exercises, and insights to help you become the most confident version of yourself. If you’re just looking to uplevel your dating skills in general, check out The Portal, our signature program. In The Portal, you can find resources and courses for dating, relating, grieving, and burn out.
Conclusion
The same principles that make optimism a powerful tool for success in work and life also apply to dating. By approaching dating with a positive, hopeful attitude, and even a bit of delusional optimism, you can increase your dating success! Building confidence in dating isn’t about changing who you are—it’s about embracing your unique qualities and believing in your worth. By adopting these strategies f in your own life, you’ll not only enhance your dating experiences but also develop a deeper, more authentic connection with yourself.
Start your journey to unshakable confidence today with our Daring Dating course and see how it can transform your dating life.
References:
- Psychology Today article: Delusion, Productivity, and Success by Michael Michalko
- Journal of Personality and Social Psychology study on optimism and success: Link
- Psychological Bulletin review on the benefits of optimism: Link
- Journal of Social and Personal Relationships study on optimism and relationship satisfaction
